Robert Hamer
“Academy Award Winner Paul Thomas Anderson.” That still feels surreal to say. I genuinely did not think such an iconoclastic filmmaker, whose devoted and passionate cult following was never that big (certainly puny compared to the size of Christopher Nolan’s fanbase), would ever write and direct a movie that the Academy would wholeheartedly embrace. Especially since this movie he won three Oscars for was not a huge box office hit! This is a business, first and foremost! One Battle After Another kicked so much ass that this industry had no choice but to overlook its fiscal shortcomings. A lot of Terminally Online content creators have been, predictably, annoying and weird about its victory last month because they don’t want to admit they’re just as susceptible to manufactured consent from studio PR campaigns as everyone else. I remember what happened when it was first released. I have not forgotten how many of these same sulking online purity brats were lavishing praise on the movie back when it was just assumed that it would be nothing more than a critical darling that would prove too off-kilter and defiantly leftist in its politics for normie Oscar voters. It wasn’t until later on, when Sinners was marketed on the awards beat as the True Rebellious Masterpiece Of The Year, that One Battle After Another suddenly became the Establishment Villain That All True Progressives Must Be United In Hating.
Honestly? Whatever. The influencer cottage industry is becoming less influential in the 2020s, thank goodness, and I’ve become numb to the useless noise from performative internet activists wasting their time on melodramatic polemics about the Oscars being a Secretly Neoliberal Institution For White Patriarchy™ (which would certainly come as a shock to our Favorite Special Boy) to mine those outrage clicks instead of doing the hard, tedious, boring work of actually attaining and wielding power in the real world that their opponents on the right have repeatedly proven themselves willing to invest in over the last twenty years. Oh, and wouldya look at that, Kat Abughazaleh lost her primary bid. Maybe y’all should have put a little more of your energy into helping her out instead of whining over the apparently horrible tragedy of a movie only winning a bunch of Oscars instead of winning all the Oscars?
But enough about what happened in the world of movies, let us turn our attention to what is happening right now and in the near future, starting with…
THE SUPER MARIO GALAXY MOVIE – In Theaters April 3
Directed by Aaron Horvath and Michael Jelenic
Starring the voice of Chris Pratt, with Anya Taylor-Joy and Charlie Day
What is it about? Mario and Luigi join Princess Peach and Toad on an adventure into outer space and across the galaxy to face off against Bowser’s son.
How am I feelin’ about this one? We all knew it was only a matter of time before another one of these was produced. The Super Mario Bros. Movie was one of the highest-grossing animated feature films of all time, the highest-grossing cinematic adaptation of a video game, and the only wide release of 2023 to put up stiff box office competition against the Barbenheimer phenomenon. Nintendo and Illumination continuing to capitalize on their money-printing machine was effectively beyond any question after its first weekend in theaters. The question that did remain, however, was where, exactly, they would take a cinematic follow-up. After all, this is one of the most prolific video game franchises of all time. There are so many possible games to mine material from. They could have, for example, introduced Wart as the main villain in an adaptation of Super Mario Bros. 2, which was really just a reskinned Japanese game called Yume Kōjō: Doki Doki Panic. Maybe have Bowser’s seven children conquer the seven kingdoms as its starting premise, as in Super Mario Bros. 3, aka the Greatest 2-D Platformer Ever Made™? Could they also appeal to my generation of gamers and trap Princess Peach in a painting à la Super Mario 64? Would Illumination have the audacity to try their hand at adapting Super Mario Odyssey, which would basically be their own version of Get Out?
But no, I’m being willfully obtuse by acting like this was truly a vexing question for Illumination. Obviously, if you want to make a big epic visually dazzling sequel to what was already the studio’s best-looking film yet, you’re of course going to adapt Super Mario Galaxy, one of the most beloved installments in the franchise’s history and one of the most popular video games ever released for the Wii. It’s right there in the title: Mario goes into outer space! And the trailer promises a movie that does not waste the animation potential of such a premise. As to whether or not it’ll be any good… I’m not the right person to ask. I agree with Joey that the first movie was more or less a disposable fanservice exercise, I see no reason to expect anything different here, and I’m too old to have strong opinions in either direction regarding video games that were released when I was still in high school. Joey liked this one a little bit more, though still not enough to recommend.
The only thing that does bother me a bit is the all-celebrity voice cast being expanded for a franchise that absolutely does not need one. Every big movie and TV star from the first one is coming back, along with new additions Benny Safdie as Bowser, Jr. and Academy Award-winning actress Brie Larson as Rosalina and, like, why? Do they really believe there’s some subset of audiences wanting to see these movies who otherwise wouldn’t have but for Glen Powell lending his voice to Fox McCloud? What is Brie Larson’s (probably very expensive) voice going to bring to this new character that a professional voice actress like, say, Laura Bailey or Jennifer English couldn’t? For the first several decades of their history, animated movies featuring even one recognizable celebrity’s voice were rare. Mostly to keep costs down, but also because there were – and still are! – individuals lacking much in the way of expressing themselves physically in front of a camera but can work absolute magic with their voices in a recording booth. And if you don’t believe me, go look up a montage of Dee Bradley Baker’s astonishing range of animal and monster noises. This trend of populating a mainstream animated film with nothing but recognizable celebrities is such an unnecessary addition to the already-ballooning costs of Hollywood studio productions and sidelines a substantial talent pool of performers with terrifically expressive voices.
THE DRAMA – In Theaters April 3
Directed by Kristoffer Borgli
Starring Zendaya, with Robert Pattinson and Alana Haim
What is it about? Days before their wedding, a couple’s relationship is shaken when one partner discovers unsettling truths about the other.
How am I feelin’ about this one? 2026 is going to be… quite a year for the two leads of this marital drama. This is inarguably the smallest project Zendaya will be appearing in this year — she’s also returning as Mary Jane Watson in Spider-Man: Brand New Day, reprising her role as Chani in Dune: Part Three, and will be playing the Greek goddess Athena in The Odyssey. And that’s on top of the third season of Euphoria premiering next month. Robert Pattinson, meanwhile, will also be appearing in The Odyssey playing one of Penelope’s disrespectful suitors and Dune: Part Three as the very pale anti-Atreides conspirator Scytale. Of the four movies coming out this year that these two stars are involved with, all but one of them include both performers in their ensembles, but only one of those projects includes both of them in leading roles: The Drama.
What is “the drama?” Whatever it is that Pattinson’s groom-to-be just learned about Zendaya’s bride-to-be on the eve of their wedding that’s causing serious friction between them. The trailers and marketing materials have been refreshingly coy about what that dark secret might be, and the mystery is probably something A24 is banking on to drive ticket sales. Honestly? A smart play from them, but I wish they did not feel the need to lean on a gimmick to do so. These kinds of movies used to be very common and relatively safe box office bets in the 1990s. Now… not so much. People are more interested at being reminded of toys and comics they read from their childhoods than invest in a relationship between two people (with some exceptions). The combined star power of two of the most popular screen actors of the Millennial generation could give this one a leg up in persuading viewers to fork over cash for the kind of adult drama their parents used to go to theaters to watch regularly at their ages.
I do wonder how the conflict will play out over the course of a feature-length movie, though. One of the things that hinders a lot of modern storytellers is their tendency to just stick with the inciting incident that kicks off their premise to sustain the entirety of their narratives, which often results in characters just kinda… spinning their wheels, not developing or changing, but just finding new ways to run away from or work around their main problem before reexplaining it over and over again throughout the second act (this is my biggest criticism of KPop Demon Hunters, in fact). And unfortunately, it appears that my concerns are not unfounded, since Joey’s chief complaint about The Drama appears to be its overreliance on this shocking reveal from Zendaya’s protagonist to hook the audience without really doing all that much with it dramatically after we get it out in the open. Why do so many filmmakers and screenwriters seem so hesitant to change up their conflicts? This is one of the main reasons why One Battle After Another was so great!
MICHAEL – In Theaters April 24
Directed by Antoine Fuqua
Starring Jaafar Jackson, with Nia Long and Colman Domingo
What is it about? A biopic about Michael Jackson.
How am I feelin’ about this one? Sha-moné, what a troubled path this movie has taken to get to screens. The rights to The King of Pop’s life story were secured all the way back in 2019, and there is no way this occurred just a few months after the dismal Bohemian Rhapsody performed so well at the box office and the Oscars by mere coincidence. Producers all over Hollywood realized, after that movie was such a hit despite a paucity of anything actually good about it, that they could exploit nostalgia for other musical icons of the Baby Boomer generation. These two films, in fact, share a producer, which the trailers are oddly proud of showcasing. I am sure Lionsgate wanted to fast-track this project after they became the lucky studio it found a home with, but as it usually goes with the estate of an individual like Michael Jackson, things became complicated.
I’m not going to beat around the bush, here — producers Graham King, John Branca, and John McClain, and screenwriter John Logan, had to figure out how they were going to address the child sexual abuse allegations. The fact that he was acquitted means his estate will (understandably) not tolerate the suggestion that he committed such heinous acts from a Hollywood production when a jury found otherwise, but also, producing a movie portraying a wealthy and powerful celebrity as someone who was unfairly maligned by people who accused him of sexually grooming and abusing them would come off in poor taste, regardless of what the justice system had to say on the matter. Branca and McClain are part of the Jackson estate, and I would have assumed they’d be especially dogmatic about ensuring that part of his life story was thoroughly scrubbed of any legally actionable or dubious assertions… and I would have been wrong. Despite the script being signed off on by both Jackson’s estate and a legal department, no one caught the inconvenient detail that the film never had the legal rights to dramatize accuser Jordy Chandler or any of his relatives in any medium. Which means the entire final act of this movie had to be rewritten and reshot. Attempts to downplay this embarrassing failure of due diligence have not been entirely persuasive. As it turns out, wearing a t-shirt that says, “The Michael Jackson biopic is not in total chaos!” prompts a lot of questions already answered by your shirt.
But enough about behind-the-scenes drama, do I think the movie will be any good? Probably not! This is a biopic about a popular musician, after all, and I generally (though not always!) find those kinds of movies to be thudding mediocrities that lean entirely on their songs to appeal to audiences over any kind of filmmaking craftsmanship or creativity. Antoine Fuqua as the director doesn’t exactly inspire confidence, and while screenwriter John Logan wrote The Aviator, he also wrote Genius. The man playing the eponymous pop superstar is Jackson’s son Jaafar Jackson. No, he does not have any prior acting experience. But in his defense, neither did O’Shea Jackson, Jr. when he was tapped to portray his father in Straight Outta Compton, and he has since gone on to be a very reliable and charismatic screen actor. That he agreed to star in the project suggests that at least one of Jackson’s offspring believes this movie treats their late father fairly, though it’s worth bringing up that this is not a unanimous opinion among his children. So much drama, so much conflict surrounding a movie in a subgenre I generally find pandering and forgettable… not a lot of encouraging signs, here.
ANIMAL FARM – In Theaters May 1
Directed by Andy Serkis
Starring the voice of Seth Rogen, with Gaten Matarazzo and Kieran Culkin
What is it about? An animated adaptation of George Orwell’s novella about mistreated anthropomorphic farm animals who rebel against their abusive human masters and attempt to create a more egalitarian society in its place.
How am I feelin’ about this one? I love the idea of a new cinematic interpretation of this classic story. Because it is so simple yet timeless and brilliant in its thematic aims. We haven’t had a proper cinematic adaptation since the live-action TV movie from 1999. Which I actually thought wasn’t half-bad, to be honest. But Hollywood probably should be having another go at this story now. For… reasons. Then I saw the trailer, and I have to say, I think it looks…
Terrible. That looks terrible. Why are we turning this sobering parable about fascism into a whimsical kid’s movie? Why is the trailer playing over “Feel It Still?” We all remember Flow, right? That was an animated movie with animal characters and it didn’t feel the need to devolve into an Everything Must Be Manic And Delightful Because All Animated Movies Must Pander To All Four Consumer Quadrants™ slop. So what gives? I hate to just blame this on late-stage capitalism, but… yeah, late-stage capitalism is probably the culprit on this one. Three different production companies – Cinesite, Aniventure, and The Imaginarium Productions – had their hands in this pot, and the more creative teams and investors with a stake in something means more bosses to please, more financial interests, and less room for a singular vision.
It’s also worth noting that Andy Serkis originally set out to make this film in 2011, back when Fight The Oppressive Government was considered a fun genre fad for teens and not something people were seriously talking about as a brutal long-term project requiring more than some romantically-staged uprisings. The whole thing just looks dated, flippant, and irritating.
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA 2 – In Theaters May 1
Directed by David Frankel
Starring Anne Hathaway, with Meryl Streep and Emily Blunt
What is it about? Set decades after the events of the first movie, Andy returns to Runway as its ruthless Editor Miranda Priestly navigates a new media landscape. They reconnect with another former assistant, Emily, who is now the head of a luxury brand that possesses funding which could ensure Runway’s survival.
How am I feelin’ about this one? Since the release of The Devil Wears Prada, we have experienced two global recessions (with a third one on the way soon, maybe?), the closure of over 3,000 magazines in the United States, the rise and fall of the “fast fashion” fad, extreme thinness falling out of favor for my generation before subsequently making a comeback with the next one, and revelations about the obvious inspiration for Miranda Priestly having a few more skeletons in her closet than just being kind of icy to her subordinates. And that’s just in the broad societal/cultural sense. Since this movie’s release, Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt both got married and are now mothers; Anne also won an Oscar and Emily (finally!) got nominated for one. Meryl Streep won a third Oscar and became a grandmother. Stanley Tucci got married to – no kidding – Emily Blunt’s sister and they have two kids of their own. He also received his first, and to date, only Oscar nomination for what I like to close my eyes and delusionally pretend was for his lovely performance in Julie & Julia. What I’m trying to get at here is… the world has changed since Andy Sachs walked away from the cutthroat world of Runway to pursue her true passion in investigative journalism. The lives of the actors involved with the first movie have changed a great deal in the two decades since. The fun glamorous setting of the film, that we all patted ourselves on the back for wagging our finger at (while not-so-secretly enjoying the vicarious thrill of it), is not really all that dazzling in the Year Of Our Lord 2026.
Or maybe I’m just projecting. Audiences still seem obsessed with nostalgia bait and legacysequels, because being reminded of stuff they enjoyed from their adolescence helps them temporarily forget about the stresses of adulthood. You might think I’m being cynical here, but just take a look at the trailer for The Devil Wears Prada 2. Andy and Emily’s careers have changed, but they’re by and large the same people as they were when George W. Bush was still President of the United States. Same personalities, same anxieties, even the same general appearance. Miranda and Nigel are in literally the exact same places in their lives as they were when we were all still wondering when Martin Scorsese would finally win an Oscar. Wasn’t the whole reason why Andy quit working for Miranda because of her maneuvering to stay in power at Runway flagrantly betrayed Nigel? And he’s still working for Miranda? And that’s just… fine, now?
And I think that’s honestly part of the fantasy for a lot of audiences these days. Even after two whole decades, a lot of us really seem to want to live in an alternate reality where very little changes. We’re scared of how fast time moves. We want things to slow down. We don’t want to be reminded of kids growing up and becoming adults in the seemingly blink of an eye and *gasp* having different cultural touchstones and idioms than us. We want revivals of old sitcoms that reassure us the same characters live in the same neighborhoods and have the same sense of humor. We want Han Solo to still be a scoundrel smuggler as a septuagenarian. And I guess we want Miranda Priestly to still be in charge of Runway. “We” being in a general sense, of course. I would prefer a more salient movie about the fashion industry, personally…
I LOVE BOOSTERS – In Theaters May 22
Directed by Boots Riley
Starring Keke Palmer, with Taylour Paige and Naomi Ackie
What is it about? A group of shoplifters take aim at a cutthroat fashion maven.
How am I feelin’ about this one? Now, see, this seems more like the kind of movie about fashion that speaks to this current era. And it looks exactly like the kind of movie Boots Riley, a man who hates capitalism as much as any filmmaker I have ever encountered, would put out about fashion. Not really about the fashion world itself so much as a gang of “boosters” who steal from expensive high-end clothing stores and resell them at a significantly marked down price to their neighbors on the lower rungs of the economic ladder.
I could, perhaps, worry about the potential pitfalls of such a premise. After all, there is a hypocrisy to people stealing expensive products to sTiCk iT tO tHe MaaaaaaaaaN while still indulging in the consumption of the things that this rampant capitalism you supposedly hate depends on to retain its power. I could also lament the potential laziness of taking on a target as easy as the fashion industry, which is about as played-out as satires of the modern art scene. But then I remember just how completely unpredictable and flat-out bonkers Sorry To Bother You was and I think… what could I possibly speculate about this movie? Is there any chance I could accurately predict, with my boring normie brain, what a psychotic genius like Boots Riley has in store for us here?
Also, look at the stacked cast! Not just the trio of Keke Palmer, Taylour Paige, and Naomi Ackie leading the movie, but a pretty damned impressive supporting cast made up of heavy-hitters like Eiza González, LaKeith Stanfield, Don Cheadle, Will Poulter, and Demi Moore as the sinister fashion maven the boosters are stealing from. Moore especially looks like she is having a blast from what little we see of her in the trailer. I wonder if her Oscar nomination for The Substance made her think to herself, “Oh, hang on, the industry is rewarding me for being in this weird-assed movie about the horrors of the modern world? Can I… can I just keep doing these in this stage of my career?” and we can expect her to just appear in more of these kinds of movies from now on. Pretty neat if true!
So what say you, dear readers? Am I writing off Animal Farm prematurely? What do you think is the dark secret at the center of The Drama? What is the most accursed post-Oscars narrative you have encountered online? Let us know in the comments.
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