If there are two things that are of the utmost importance to both of us, it’s Taylor Swift and cats. We make an effort to see Swift whenever we can and have gone to five different album tours together. On top of that, we listen to any and every new song from Swift together the day they are released. Growing up, our family always had cats in the house. I (Kendall) adopted my own cat, Badger, and Casey is a cat mom to two by the names of Hercules and Hades. We are cat ladies, and proud of it.
When we heard that there was a Cats movie coming out starring Taylor Swift, the stars seemingly aligned. We both love Taylor, cats, and musicals deeply. When reviews for the film came out showing that it was NOT a hit, we put off watching the movie (in fact, Joey was actually one of the people to really scare us off of watching it…until now). Well, it felt like it was finally time to give it a go, and document our thoughts throughout. Did Tom Hooper make a movie containing all of our favorite things that we still couldn’t enjoy? Read along to find out.
Began: 6:40 PM
Kendall Tinston – 6:40 PM – Honestly? This score so far sounds more like Sweeney Todd.
Casey Tinston – 6:40 PM – These human cat limbs are truly haunting.
CT – 6:42 PM – Are they really going to try to convince us that these human “cats” are the size of tiny cats?
KT – 6:43 PM – Why do the faces have no effects??? How are their human faces supposed to blend with the “cat” bodies? And where are the buttholes??????
KT – 6:44 PM – Are these monkeys or cats? Also, the size ratio…oof. A cat is the size of one single cobblestone?
CT – 6:44 PM – They’re more mouse sized than cat sized, to be honest.
KT – 6:45 PM – Song wise so far it’s okay though! Oh wait, that high note…never mind.
KT – 6:46 PM – Literally every single thing in this town is cat themed. Posters, stores, EVERYTHING.
CT – 6:47 PM – This has to be the creepiest human/cat ballet ever. I can see the outlines of their human ears and their bald faces.
KT – 6:48 PM – I hate to say this but: Idris Elba has never been less sexy.
CT – 6:49 PM – This cat chanting is giving me serious cult vibes.
KT – 6:49 PM – These headstones are stuck in cobblestones. They dug graves through cobblestones??? THEY HAVE HUMAN FEET!!!
CT – 6:52 PM – The tuxedo cat has a literal bow tie hair pattern.
KT – 6:53 PM – I think the button budget for Mr. Mistoffelees was higher than the budget for their visual effects. And what the f*** is a gumby cat?
CT – 6:53 PM – Rebel Wilson just looks SO nude.
KT – 6:54 PM – Update: a guuuuuuumby cat is a fat cat apparently. Laurie Davidson also looks a hell of a lot like Robert Pattinson in his cat outfit.
CT – 6:54 PM – I feel like I’m watching something that I should under no circumstances be seeing.
CT – 6:55 PM – The mice are the size of INSECTS. They’re also children. Has Rebel Wilson enslaved the mice children for her own enjoyment?
KT – 6:56 PM – Rebel Wilson is an obese cat that is still only the size of a loaf of bread.
CT – 6:56 PM – This cockroach army is nightmarish.
KT – 6:56 PM – Okay, the cockroach children are my favorite.
CT – 6:57 PM – Why can Rebel Wilson UNZIP HER FUR?! ISN’T THAT HER SKIN?! And did she have to eat the cockroach children?
KT – 6:58 PM – I guess editing out Jason Derulo’s bulge was more difficult than expected because it’s not so edited out.
KT – 7:00 PM – This is a lot like Les Miserables in that there is only singing, no dialogue. The difference is that I am learning absolutely nothing from the songs.
CT – 7:00 PM – I have no idea what’s going on, except that apparently Jason Derulo is a really horny cat.
KT – 7:01 PM – This milk scene is essentially a cat orgy. Except all of these cats for sure will have diarrhea later.
CT – 7:01 PM – And there is not a single litter box in sight.
KT – 7:03 PM – Oh, Jennifer Hudson time. I am ready for the only redeeming part of this movie.
CT – 7:05 PM – They’re literally bullying and hissing at Jennifer Hudson for being mangy.
KT – 7:05 PM – Aaaand Jennifer Hudson left on all fours. Without singing Memory.
CT – 7:07 PM – Apparently Idris Elba can turn other cats into dust? RIP Rebel Wilson and her zip-away cat skin.
KT – 7:09 PM – I need these cat people to stop with the hissing, it’s embarrassing. But not nearly as embarrassing as this performance from James Corden.
KT – 7:10 PM – James Corden is as tall as a metal garbage can but the bone he was holding earlier resembled that of a dinosaur. Sure.
CT – 7:12 PM – Oh good, Idris Elba can turn himself into dust too.
Break: 7:12 PM. Because honestly? This was a lot and we needed to grab some margaritas for the rest of it.
Resume: 7:27 PM. With margaritas in hand. Here we go…
KT – 7:28 PM – I still know nothing about the plot, and these songs DO. NOT. HELP.
CT – 7:29 PM – On what planet can a cat fit a human ring around its paw?
KT – 7:31 PM – Laurie Davidson/Robert Pattinson pulled a whole ass bone out of his top hat.
CT – 7:31 PM – He’s Meowy Poppins.
KT – 7:33 PM – Ray Winstone looks exactly like Donald Trump in a cat suit.
CT – 7:35 PM – Tom Hooper, I could have done without the cats petting other cats.
KT – 7:36 PM – Dame Judi Dench deserves much, much better. She doesn’t have a single hair on her face or neck.
CT – 7:37 PM – I honestly think the effects in this movie are on par with Snapchat filters.
KT – 7:39 PM – Okay, from the back they look like actual cats!
KT – 7:40 PM – There are drawings on the floor in red paint and these cats are gyrating. Is this a cat séance?
CT – 7:41 PM – Jason Derulo is really trying to make this cat stuff sexy. I feel like we’ve been watching this movie forever.
KT – 7:41 PM – We’re not even halfway.
KT – 7:44 PM – I feel like Judi Dench is about to drop dead.
CT – 7:44 PM – This is her exorcism.
KT – 7:45 PM – MEMORY! FINALLY!
CT – 7:46 PM – Jennifer Hudson has a LOT of snot during this song.
KT – 7:48 PM – Lead Francesca Hayward finally gets to sing 45 minutes in. And you know what? Beautiful Ghosts is actually really good.
CT – 7:52 PM – This is a ghost town. Not a single human in sight but a million cats and every building is wide open.
KT – 7:52 PM – But WHAT is a jellicle cat? Do they even know?
CT – 7:52 PM – Ian McKellan lapping up milk is an image I can never unsee. Or unhear.
KT – 7:53 PM – Ian McKellan’s performance is truly unforgivable.
CT – 7:56 PM – Ian McKellan’s tail is it’s own character. Ian and Judi both owe the world an apology for these performances. Judi Dench has a ring on her hand – they literally didn’t even try to edit it out.
CT – 7:58 PM – I will see Judi Dench in my nightmares.
KT – 7:58 PM – Ian McKellan got SUCKED into a bible by not-so-sexy cat Idris Elba!!!
CT – 7:59 PM – I am crying. Why can Idris Elba turn cats into dust? WHAT IS GOING ON?
KT – 7:59 PM – I know who Steven McRae cat looks like. He looks exactly like Mario in those red suspenders and hat! And Robert Fairchild looks like a younger Robert Downey Jr.
CT – 8:02 PM – Suddenly they are on the Hogwarts express.
CT – 8:03 PM – Oh boy, Taylor is coming…
KT – 8:04 PM – Taylor Swift cat has full D cups. She is the only one with human boobs. And she is drugging every single cat here.
CT – 8:05 PM – Cats don’t need their whiskers combed, and they don’t play cards, Taylor. I just don’t like this.
KT – 8:07 PM – This may be the worst part yet.
CT – 8:07 PM – Burlesque Taylor Swift cat is upsetting me.
CT – 8:08 PM – Why is Idris Elba’s naked cat body so much more disgusting than everyone elses???? He looks like a man with a condition that makes thick hair grow all over his body, not a cat.
KT – 8:10 PM – Trump cat is pushing Judi off of a plank. I’m okay with it.
KT – 8:11 PM – Ugh, R. Patts is going to magic Judi back. Great.
KT – 8:13 PM – This magic song is cute!
CT – 8:14 PM – These mice are a real highlight. Though I’m still not sure why they’re children.
KT – 8:16 PM – Judi Dench makes this feel like a horror movie, not a musical.
KT – 8:17 PM – Celebrating Judi’s return with the Charleston, naturally.
CT – 8:17 PM – Gravity just doesn’t matter in this movie.
KT – 8:19 PM – Ian McKellan has a soaking wet mouth and keeps making mouth noises. He’s cancelled.
KT – 8:23 PM – Memory is the best part of this entire movie, honestly. I just wish there were less boogers involved.
CT – 8:25 PM – Does Judi Dench know they’re filming? She continues to look like she’s on death’s door every scene.
CT – 8:27 PM – Okay. The jellicle choice was almost heartwarming, but the cat humans nuzzling ruined it.
KT – 8:28 PM – Judi’s voice is so weak, I think she’ll probably die soon.
CT – 8:28 PM – The nerve of Judi Dench singing Beautiful Ghosts as if she’s not a ghost herself.
CT – 8:30 PM – Jennifer Hudson is flying away in a chandelier hot air balloon. This is like the end of Grease when the car flies away.
CT – 8:31 PM – I don’t want Judi Dench to acknowledge me or look at me like that.
KT – 8:31 PM – Judi is looking into my soul. And she says we don’t need an interpreter to understand this story??? I am googling the plot of this movie immediately after it ends.
KT – 8:32 PM – The entire point of this movie was to prove that cats aren’t like dogs. Could’ve just said that and saved me nearly two hours.
CT – 8:33 PM – Judi is giving us a lesson on cat etiquette.
KT – 8:35 PM – It is now daytime and there are still no humans in sight. OH MY GOD JENNIFER HUDSON IS STILL FLOATING AROUND 5 MINUTES LATER.
At the end of the day, it appears that Tom Hooper did the impossible: he created a film made for us that neither of us enjoyed, or hope to see again. Not only were we disappointed in Taylor’s performance, we also crossed our fingers to never see Ian McKellan or Judi Dench treated this way again. The two redeeming parts of the movie wear easily the songs “Beautiful Ghosts” and “Memory”, as expected. Our advice? Listen to those two songs, and skip the movie. If you want to experience Cats regardless, it will be arriving to HBO and HBO Max on October 10th. If you’re feeling adventurous, the hit podcast How Did This Get Made? hosted by Paul Scheer, Jason Mantzoukas, and June Diane Raphael is having a virtual show discussing the film October 9th.
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