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Sisters React: ‘The Happening’ Happened and We’re Mad About It

The Sixth Sense, The Visit, Unbreakable: all of these are debatably awesome M. Night Shyamalan movies. The Happening did not make that list. Being that we’re both fans of Shyamalan (most of the time), this was both an exciting and disappointing Sisters React for Casey and I. If you’ve ever spent 90 minutes watching The Happening, you’ll definitely know why we’re still mad about it. Read our Sisters React below for insight on how I (Kendall) feel about Zooey Deschanel, our hot takes on what the sexiest dessert is, opinions on hot dogs, and so much more.

START: 8:10 PM

Kendall Tinston – 8:10 PM – Starting off strong with weird, rapid cloud movements.

Casey Tinston – 8:10 PM – Foreshadowing…?

KT – 8:12 PM – Okay, but this is like, a LOT of clouds. Many minutes of footage.

CT – 8:12 PM – Trying very hard to set the tone of foreboding.

KT – 8:13 PM – Shyamalan!!!! Why!!!

CT – 8:14 PM – This girl doesn’t remember what part of her book she’s reading and has to ask her friend? Does she own a bookmark, or have thumbs and the ability to bend the corner of a page?

KT – 8:14 PM – 10 second Tom over here, Claire.

CT – 8:15 PM – How convenient that Claire has a sharp weapon as a hair accessory.

KT – 8:15 PM – Didn’t we all in the 90’s and early 2000’s?

CT – 8:16 PM  – This dialogue leaves something to be desired.

KT – 8:16 PM – I will say: people diving off of a building they’re doing construction on is a true nightmare. Very effective horror device.

CT – 8:16 PM – And I will say: Marky Mark does look great in a sweater vest.

KT – 8:17 PM – He also can’t not always sound exactly the same. He’s lecturing someone, we can’t see who, and it sounds like he’s talking to Ted.

CT – 8:18 PM – This “kid” is at least 32.

KT – 8:18 PM – And this punk does not give a FUCK about bees. So naturally Marky Mark is hazing him over it.

CT – 8:19 PM – Try science or else I’ll bully you in front of the entire class.

KT – 8:19 PM – Clearly why I always loved science. Too afraid my hot teacher would bully me.

CT – 8:20 PM – Sorry but as a teacher: no one calls their Vice Principal “Vice Principal.” They have names.

CT – 8:21 PM – Ominous Einstein quote. 

KT – 8:21 PM – It all comes back to bees.

KT – 8:23 PM – Why is Mark acting like a legitimate D-list actor in this? Beyond lackluster.

CT – 8:23 PM – Really, Leguizamo? Telling Mark NOW that his wedding was a sham? Thanks for the heads up.

KT – 8:24 PM – Zooey is already annoying me. First scene.

CT – 8:24 PM – Her face is doing too much. You can’t save NYC with a song this time, Jovie.

KT – 8:25 PM – Oooookay, that wedding was a sham. Zooey had INSANE wedding day hair in that photo.

CT – 8:25 PM – She looks like she’s playing charades as someone with a secret.

KT – 8:26 PM – There is a side piece. His name is Joey (looking at you, Joey M.) *Editor’s Note: I can neither confirm nor deny these allegations*

CT – 8:27 PM – I mean don’t be mad at me but I think Zooey was good in New Girl and this is just atrocious. Why is she talking like this? This is just not good acting.

KT – 8:27 PM – WHERE is the superior Deschanel sister when you need her?

CT – 8:28 PM – She’s got too many bones to deal with.

CT – 8:29 PM – Do not tell me this little scruffy dog kills itself.

KT – 8:29 PM – Somehow it doesn’t affect animals?

KT – 8:30 PM – Everyone killed themselves with ONE gun. No time for creativity with death anymore. We already shot the jumping off the building scene, our budget is shot.

CT – 8:30 PM – So wait…Zooey’s idea of cheating on Mark was eating Tiramisu with someone else? Who can resist coffee soaked lady fingers?

KT – 8:31 PM – It is a sexy dessert. Even that description sounds sexy.

KT – 8:32 PM – So this woman is headed from Pennsylvania to New Jersey when the only areas affected are PA and NY? She’s cornering herself.

KT – 8:32 PM – Even the production value is not up to par with a usual Shyamalan film. What happened to The Happening?

CT – 8:32 PM – It looks like a Lifetime movie. Before A Recipe For Seduction.

KT – 8:33 PM – Zooey is trying so hard to be friends with this little orphan and she’s like, “Nah, you a cheating hoe.” 

KT – 8:34 PM – I am just not buying Mark as a scientist. He truly believes mood rings work off of auras, not temperature.

KT – 8:35 PM – Woahhhh that’s quite the green screen for the lion scene.

CT – 8:36 PM – That’s bananas. Do people think terrorists can possess lions?

CT – 8:37 PM – Where did these people get cars if they arrived to this random town on a train? Also, no car left for Marky Mark.

KT – 8:37 PM – No one wants to get stuck in the car with Zooey.

CT – 8:39 PM – Wow, John Leguizamo, these are some emotional math stats.

KT – 8:39 PM – He’s literally making up numbers for Mark’s comfort. How would he have done any calculations and on what basis?

KT – 8:41 PM – Oh no. This man is packing hot dogs for the road?

CT – 8:41 PM – He literally said hot dogs have a cool shape. I’m so upset that that’s his primary opinion on hot dogs.

KT – 8:41 PM – This man’s ONLY characteristic is that he loves hot dogs.

CT – 8:43 PM – Holy shit John Leguizamo math can’t help you now.

KT – 8:43 PM – If math riddles are the antidote, he’s gonna live forever. Like some fucked up math leprechaun.

CT – 8:44 PM – Wind whistling has never been more ominous.

KT – 8:44 PM – Okay. Not everyone enjoys or is good at math. That might just not be a good way to calm someone down. It would personally piss me off.

CT – 8:44 PM – This rip in the roof is about to kill them.

KT – 8:45 PM – And this is how he wants to die: giving out math riddles to strangers in Princeton, NJ. To be honest, I want a hot dog now. I’m still thinking about them.

KT – 8:46 PM – Never mind. Hot dog guy is a peeping Tom. His wife brought it up, and is okay with it. Like, fully accepts he does that.

CT – 8:46 PM – She casually brought up his peeping in front of strangers, too.

KT – 8:47 PM – No shame in this marriage. Unlike Mark, Zooey, and their sexy tiramisu cheating scandal.

KT – 8:48 PM – Oh, who’s Joey? No one, just the man I ate the world’s sexiest dessert with secretly.

CT – 8:49 PM – Lieutenant Cheese & Crackers is taking charge.

KT – 8:50 PM – Everyone in this movie knows someone who lives in Princeton. I live in New Jersey and I don’t.

KT – 8:50 PM – “I see in calculus”?? Holy shit is this a math related disease??

KT – 8:52 PM – How difficult was it for Zooey to feign emotion during that super close up shot of her crying? Her chin was trembling but not a single tear was present.

CT – 8:52 PM – Peeper finally has his hot dog!

KT – 8:53 PM – He both loves and fears plants. I wonder if he feels that way about hot dogs, too. I definitely do.

CT – 8:54 PM – They’re in Arendelle? Where on Earth is that?

KT – 8:54 PM – Elsa’s magic is going to knock this virus out.

CT – 8:55 PM –  Zooey: In case we’re going to die, I had dessert.

KT – 8:55 PM – Wow and Mark is legitimately betrayed by this tiramisu bombshell.

CT – 8:56 PM – That wind only blew one person. This is a very selective breeze.

CT – 8:57 PM – None of Zooey’s dialogue even makes sense.

KT – 8:57 PM – I don’t think baby talk would be my default if I was put in a life threatening situation, Zooey.

CT – 8:59 PM – This is so dumb. Is this The Wizard of Oz? They’re in a tornado.

KT – 9:00 PM – How is this wind blowing Zooey’s hair like crazy but not making her kill herself?

CT – 9:01 PM – The wind doesn’t have to explain itself.

CT – 9:02 PM – Toxin, potent, density. They really hit the science vocab grab bag hard in this movie.

KT – 9:02 PM – Plants: the least terrifying villain to date. And they’re hitting all the vocab and somehow not communicating anything.

CT – 9:03 PM – That house plant is brewing up a mighty wind. And Marky Mark is TALKING to it.

KT – 9:03 PM – Oh, phew, it’s plastic. But then how was it QUAKING indoors…?

KT – 9:05 PM – Wait, how does the number of people affect the plant pandemic? The plants get pissed when people hang out…?

CT – 9:05 PM – Oh nooo lawnmower man. Thanks, I hate it.

KT – 9:06 PM – Seems like a very inefficient way to kill yourself.

CT – 9:06 PM – Mark said his comically large mood ring is not a toy.

KT – 9:06 PM – Mood rings are literally toys.

KT – 9:08 PM – This couple’s cheating scandals are absolutely bonkers. Mark almost bought cough syrup from a hot pharmacist but then didn’t??

KT – 9:09 PM – This little girl is a terrorist. She’s making wind on that tree swing!!

CT – 9:09 PM – Now is no time for tree swings.

KT – 9:10 PM – “Do you have any food?” All we’ve eaten are soggy road hot dogs.

CT – 9:10 PM – I feel like singing some insane song does not inspire confidence that you’re in fact not insane.

CT – 9:11 PM – Oh my God RIP Spencer Breslin. This got sideways real quick.

KT – 9:11 PM – That barrel was not pointed anywhere that kid’s head. It may have grazed his hair. But okay.

CT – 9:11 PM – Zooey still cannot look like a normal crying person. And neither can this little girl.

KT – 9:12 PM – This movie has a man named Kendel. As if it’s not already annoying me enough.

CT – 9:12 PM – Kendel looks like Creed from The Office.

KT – 9:13 PM – Why are the only vengeful plants the ones in the Northeast? I am genuinely losing interest in this movie by now.

KT – 9:15 PM – Oh, here we go. Shyamalan loves creepy old women.

CT – 9:15 PM – His most common horror device: old women and ominous tones.

CT – 9:16 PM – I do not understand this old woman.

KT – 9:16 PM – She is about to set the stage for a weird orgy.

CT – 9:17 PM – But first: she will slap the absolute shit out of a child.

KT – 9:17 PM – Old lady logic: you can’t have a cookie unless I touch it first.

CT – 9:18 PM – Her hospitality is incredibly grumpy.

KT – 9:18 PM – She keeps doing nice things and being absolutely PISSED about it.

KT – 9:18 PM – Zooey continues to apologize about dessert.

CT – 9:18 PM – She doesn’t want to die with sexy tiramisu on her conscience.

CT – 9:19 PM – This old woman went straight to assuming the worst. She’s letting them stay in her house but she thinks Mark is going to murder her in her creepy nightgown.

KT – 9:21 PM – This movie took a hard turn into The Boy. Girl Brahms!

CT – 9:21 PM – EEEEEEEE NOOOOOOOO

KT – 9:22 PM – This woman does not appreciate Mark gazing upon her ceramic doll with human teeth. There has to be a side story for this nightmarish doll that is way scarier than this movie.

KT – 9:23 PM – Mark just tried to hide from the wind behind a SCREEN DOOR. Quite the fucking scientist.

KT – 9:23 PM – Wait. The wind makes everyone suicidal but it makes the creepy old lady murdery?

CT – 9:23 PM – Ew she just absolutely pigeon smashed into a window. Great, let the wind in. Thanks, Mrs. Jones.

CT – 9:24 PM – Grab the doll and run, Mark.

CT – 9:25 PM – Ah, here comes the speaking hole’s debut. But that shed is so creepy and why did Zooey and this girl run back there without Mark?

KT – 9:25 PM – They are playing in a shed full of goo.

KT – 9:26 PM – Why couldn’t this wind murder Zooey’s acting career?

CT – 9:27 PM – His Party City mood ring is so red. Mark is sad.

KT – 9:27 PM – He just said he bought Zooey that mood ring. But he kept it for himself instead? Must be for science purposes.

CT – 9:27 PM – This little girl is not okay. Her parents are dead and she’s in a slimy shed.

CT – 9:28 PM – Is Zooey now going to explain to this little girl what horniness is after talking about being horny for Marky Mark back in the day?

KT – 9:28 PM – They are taking these mood ring readings way too much to heart.

CT – 9:28 PM – It’s science, Kendall. Read a book.

KT – 9:29 PM – Wait, they’re gonna die? Do you promise?

CT – 9:29 PM – He’s just going to sprint across this windy field? Oh, no, slow walking. Okay then.

KT – 9:29 PM – Slow walking to be with his wife but he will most likely die before he makes it. Science.

CT – 9:29 PM  – His mood ring will protect him.

KT – 9:29 PM – Did Zooey consult this little girl on if she wanted to slowly walk to her death or…?

CT – 9:30 PM – If their love saves them I’m going to lose it.

KT – 9:30 PM – Their love is just too strong for this wind. Also, it’s spelled Arundell. Disney for morons.

CT – 9:31 PM – What the actual shit. The event must have ended…? I’m sorry, what?

KT – 9:33 PM – Mark is HATE WATCHING the scientist who got all of the credit for figuring out the Wind-pocalypse.

CT – 9:33 PM – Absolutely everyone is fine with not understanding what happened.

KT – 9:33 PM – It was an act of nature. Get over it!

KT – 9:34 PM – It’s supposed to be the Earth fighting back. With wind. And plants. In one region of the world.

CT – 9:35 PM – It was a warning. Time for some Frenchmen to get winded.

CT – 9:36 PM – That was so LAME. That’s how it ends, with one more half ass gust of wind?

KT – 9:36 PM – Truly a wet blanket of a film.

CT – 9:37 PM – The single most anticlimactic thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t care about anything that happened or any of the people it happened to. What a soggy towel.

KT – 9:37 PM – Wet socks after walking in the rain. Just. Lame.

CT – 9:38 PM – Be honest: did I just watch a 90 minute commercial for hot dogs?

Kendall’s final thoughts:

I realized shortly after finishing this movie that this is what made me hate Zooey Deschanel. I will admit that I can appreciate her in Elf (mostly) and 500 Days of Summer (again, mostly, don’t get carried away), but this movie planted the seeds for me to always have a healthy amount of disdain for her. I remember seeing this in theaters when I was 15 with my mom and not being sure what to make of it, and I’m still not. All I know is: the title sucks, and the content behind it is even worse. It also made me want hot dogs more than I’d like to admit.

Casey’s final thoughts:

So, this was my first time seeing The Happening, and it will certainly be my last. No one in this movie delivers a strong performance, except maybe for the scary old lady. And, to be fair, hot dog man’s strange fixation on hot dogs was also pretty convincing. I just can’t get past the feeling that I held in a sneeze for an hour and a half. I waited that entire time for something to happen and it just really never did. I stand by it–this movie is lame. It happened…but did it really?

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  1. MVPs: “Do not tell me this little scruffy dog kills itself.” and “Like some fucked up math leprechaun.”

    The Zooey Deschanel vendetta is intriguing, but since I can’t think of any other famously terrible Zooey Deschanel movies, uh… FYC: Sisters React to Transformers 4.

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