This all started when one of our best friends tagged us in a Lifetime movie poster on Facebook. It seemed like a fake poster, I mean, it had to be. Right? It was Mario Lopez dressed as Colonel Sanders caressing a woman in front of a mansion and it was entitled A Recipe for Seduction. It sounded like an SNL skit or a fake movie from 30 Rock, but after extensive research we found out that it was in fact a real movie. Rather, a mini movie clocking in at 15 minutes long. We figured that’s probably the maximum amount of time we’d want to watch Mario Lopez play a racist white man who’s obsessed with chicken, so we ordered our KFC bucket and a mess of sides and buckled up for the ride. (Plus, keep reading for the second half of the double feature, which pairs A Recipe for Seduction with none other than Porn ‘n Chicken)
Start: 12:45 PM
Kendall Tinston – 12:45 PM – Time to watch a buff Hispanic man play a nerdy looking white racist.
Casey Tinston – 12:45 PM – Lifetime just introduced this movie as, “a piping hot love affair of deep fried romantic goodness.’
KT – 12:45 PM – There is no way the chicken they’re eating is KFC. I am looking at a bucket of real KFC chicken as we speak.
CT – 12:45 PM – The Colonel is their private chef?? Also, fancy rich people do not eat fried chicken.
KT – 12:46 PM – Why is our lead with a man that she clearly makes fun of? Also, how is this a real movie? Or, excuse me, mini movie.
CT – 12:47 PM – This has big SNL skit vibes.
KT – 12:47 PM – Mario Lopez’s fake facial hair is WILD. Also, he’s never looked more Hispanic. He is SO TAN while playing a man who so white he’s not even colored in on the KFC packaging.
CT – 12:48 PM – They put him in the tiny tie! I am dying.
KT – 12:48 PM – They clearly tried to make the Colonel’s outfit sexy by buttoning down his shirt 3 buttons, and yet, they left that tiny tie tied so tightly around his neck.
CT – 12:48 PM – Mario Lopez is wearing a Colonel Sanders Halloween costume.
KT – 12:49 PM – They just talked about the secret recipe!!
CT – 12:49 PM – This is a fever dream. And why is Billy dressed like a Ken doll?
KT – 12:50 PM – Jacked Hispanic Colonel Sanders is going to kick this little prep’s ass that suddenly became a super possessive and abusive partner.
CT – 12:50 PM – Billy just said, “BEAT IT CROUTON!” to Mario Lopez. Sick burn, Billy.
KT – 12:50 PM – To which Mario replied, “Don’t call me crouton.”
KT – 12:50 PM – Very important question: what year is this? Colonel Sanders was not alive when cell phones existed.
KT – 12:51 PM – This girl is HORNY for the secret recipe!
CT – 12:51 PM – She’s in love with him because she believes in his secret recipe.
CT – 12:52 PM – This secret recipe is the HOTTEST gossip in town.
KT – 12:52 PM – They have said secret recipe at least 15 times so far.
CT – 12:53 PM – Oh my GOD, her mom boinked Billy?!
KT – 12:53 PM – “Marry my daughter and we’ll keep banging it out.”
CT – 12:54 PM – Billy found the secret recipe. Secret’s out, chicken man!
KT – 12:54 PM – The secret recipe is a piece of scrap paper with chicken scratch handwriting and a drawing of a drumstick. What the fuck?
CT – 12:54 PM – I am in disbelief that Mario Lopez agreed to do this movie. It is a 15-minute chicken commercial.
KT – 12:56 PM – There is absolutely zero connection between the Colonel and this girl.
CT – 12:56 PM – There is no reason for them to care about each other.
KT – 12:57 PM – My question is: did Colonel Sanders actually have a steamy love life? If not, who the fuck came up with this concept and decided it would make a great Lifetime short?
CT – 12:57 PM – And did the real Colonel ever get held hostage in a closet??
KT – 12:58 PM – This is beyond over the top.
CT – 12:58 PM – Billy is so angry with sexy Colonel Sanders. And mom has gone full psycho.
KT – 12:58 PM – They tied the Colonel to a chair and undid his tiny tie. How humiliating. This secret recipe has stirred the damn pot.
CT – 12:58 PM – Not one single character here has anywhere near a good enough motivation for wilding out like this.
KT – 12:58 PM – I am genuinely shocked that Mario Lopez’ fake mustache didn’t come off with that duct tape when she ripped it off of his mouth.
CT – 12:59 PM – Oh, good. They got married and mom has been institutionalized.
KT – 12:59 PM – Who thought the world needed a KFC love story and what kind of drugs did they take?
CT – 12:59 PM – Billy is now very menacingly eating chicken.
KT – 1:00 PM – It ends on such a cliffhanger!
CT – 1:00 PM – Where is the sequel???
Kendall’s final thoughts:
Wow. I have so many questions as to why this movie was ever—and I mean EVER—created. KFC is mediocre, the Colonel is easily the least sexy fast food icon (looking at you, Wendy), and Mario Lopez is the weirdest casting choice in the entire universe. And yet, here I am, waiting for the next 15-minute chicken commercial to answer my lingering questions. Good work, Lifetime. Highly recommend watching this very short, very manic movie.
Casey’s final thoughts:
I, too, went in with a heavy dose of skepticism and left wanting my questions answered. What are Mom and Billy planning? And why did Billy presumably carry a chicken drumstick in his bare hands as he signed in as a visitor to this mental institution—no one questioned that? As someone who ate KFC while watching this insane commercial, I have to question the choice to make Colonel Sanders a private chef for these stuffy rich people. I just don’t think that they eat much fried chicken as a demographic. All in all, I do recommend this movie. Just go in knowing you’re going to fully feel like you’re in a fever dream.
The next chicken centric movie can be fully credited to our own Joey Magidson. Neither of us had ever heard of this movie, but when we told Joey we were watching A Recipe for Seduction he suggested doubling up with Porn ‘n Chicken to make a sexy, greasy double feature. I (Kendall) had the hardest time even finding this movie anywhere. I searched high and low and couldn’t find any way to rent it, and ended just googling, “Where can I watch Porn ‘n Chicken.” Alas, what emerged was luckily what appears to be a VCR recording of the premiere of the movie on Comedy Central and not disturbing porn. The logo was in the bottom right corner the entire time with, “Our first movie!” popping up every so often. As you’ll see, this movie’s talent ended up being a random mix of actors everyone refers to as ‘that guy who’s in everything.’ Don’t worry, I put the names of ‘those guys’ in parentheses!
Start: 1:05 PM
Kendall Tinston – 1:05 PM – Why does this actor look like a straight up mannequin?
Casey Tinston – 1:05 PM – This movie is set on an Ivy League campus. Just so we’re all aware.
KT – 1:06 PM – “Sorry about my penis.” Oh boy.
CT – 1:06 PM – That was his sole contribution to his gender studies class. Ivy League material.
KT – 1:07 PM – Creepy pervy doctor from Teeth is in this (Josh Pais)! Also, according to this recording this is Comedy Central’s first movie!
CT – 1:07 PM – All of that checks out.
KT – 1:07 PM – And somehow this actor is way creepier than he was in Teeth. Didn’t think that was possible.
CT – 1:09 PM – Oof, tough break, Hutch. Getting broken up with just when his life was coming together. She told him he’s the worst lover she’s ever had!
KT – 1:09 PM – She also said he has a rough sandpaper tongue like a cat. This girl is a savage.
KT – 1:10 PM – Quick cut to Hutch SCREAMING at a picture of his ex.
CT – 1:10 PM – I’ve never heard the phrase ‘joyless, anal retentive tool’ so many times in my life.
KT – 1:10 PM – It’s that guy! (Geoffrey Arend)
KT – 1:11 PM – Here comes the beer and chicken.
CT – 1:11 PM – And here’s the porn!
KT – 1:12 PM – Why would you actively choose to watch porn with your friends? Is this something that guys do? *(Editor’s Note: No, we do not do this)*
CT – 1:13 PM – Oh boy, the next door neighbor is having a nervous breakdown from hearing this loud porn.
KT – 1:13 PM – And blaming them for him sitting on his architectural model. Naturally.
CT – 1:14 PM – He has actual psychosis from lack of sleep. This is normal to these people? Beer and chicken can solve this too?
KT – 1:14 PM – Lenny needs to be committed to a mental hospital, not watch porn and eat chicken.
CT – 1:15 PM – That whole scene made me so uncomfortable. “My throbbing what now.” Crazy Lenny slurping that chicken bone. Oof.
CT – 1:16 PM – Now the porn and chicken is a club?? They’re readily telling strangers that they engage in this behavior?
KT – 1:17 PM – One of the only female characters said she gets sexual pleasure from every part of her body and moaned when she shook Hutch’s hand. Great.
CT – 1:17 PM – How the fuck are they inviting strangers to watch porn with them?
KT – 1:17 PM – That old Macbook is a relic. But WHY would you want to watch porn among large groups of people??
CT – 1:18 PM – ‘Prepare to have your mind, and perhaps other parts, blown.’ Gross. I can’t think of anything less sexy than a big group of drunk college boys eating fried chicken while watching porn together.
KT – 1:19 PM – They really just said that the club was spreading faster than chlamydia.
CT – 1:20 PM – These secret passwords are heinous. So many of these people have very real mental instability that this movie is postulating can actually be CURED by watching porn drunk and eating chicken in a public setting.
KT – 1:21 PM – Naturally. And every public nervous breakdown earns you an invite to this pervy club.
CT – 1:22 PM – Yay, it’s disco porn night!
KT – 1:22 PM – So much has happened in 17 minutes, including a Palm Pilot reference.
CT – 1:23 PM – Hand shaking orgasm girl has her own theme song. Bobo Barry White sang about Polly Morphus and her orifices while she moved in slow motion.
KT – 1:23 PM – She’s also a vegetarian who doesn’t drink so maybe this club isn’t for her.
CT – 1:25 PM – Oh, there’s our conflict. The man is going to try to bring them down.
KT – 1:26 PM – And there’s our plot. They’re going to make their own porn.
CT – 1:26 PM – I feel like deciding the title isn’t step one in porn making, but what do I know.
KT – 1:26 PM – This really does feel like Comedy Central’s first movie. Trying to push all the boundaries using young college kids who love boobs, beer and chicken.
CT – 1:27 PM – They’re throwing it all against the wall and seeing what sticks for sure.
KT – 1:28 PM – Wait a damn second. They’re throwing this club in a classroom on campus?
CT – 1:28 PM – Yeah, what happened to meeting in their apartments? Breaking into a classroom to drink beer, eat chicken and watch porn is real dumb.
KT – 1:29 PM – Another one of those guys (Kurt Fuller)! There are so many actors in this that can be described as ‘that guy.’
CT – 1:29 PM – Porn ‘n Chicken is where they all started, I guess.
KT – 1:30 PM – Polly is trying to be so edgy and look like a dominatrix but she’s literally wearing a dog collar.
CT – 1:30 PM – Why are Polly and Quentin so uppity about the greater cause this porn club apparently has?
KT – 1:30 PM – I don’t know, but even mentally ill Lenny can see what the club brings to the table. Not a great sign.
CT – 1:31 PM – “Wasn’t this important to you or was it just a party?” Well, it’s porn…and chicken…sounds like a party. Crazy Lenny is so let down.
KT – 1:31 PM – Lenny just revealed he’s a virgin, and that he lied about losing his virginity to his STEP SISTER.
CT – 1:32 PM – This movie is so tasteless and vulgar.
KT – 1:34 PM – “Don’t be a loser, show us your weiner!”
CT – 1:34 PM – They are staging chicken themed porn protests. They are somehow simultaneously streaking while dressed as chickens.
KT – 1:34 PM – Just wearing heads and feet.
CT – 1:35 PM – I am legitimately worried about whoever wrote this movie.
KT – 1:35 PM – Gotta love the Happy Bunny poster in their dorm room. Really lets you know this movie was made deep in 2002.
CT – 1:35 PM – We’re supposed to believe the New York Times cares about this club?!
CT – 1:36 PM – The main character just flushed the toilet and then ran back to yell about it for dramatic effect???
KT – 1:36 PM – Hutch didn’t get into law school. Bet he’s gonna want to make that porn now.
CT – 1:36 PM – Porn is all he has left.
KT – 1:37 PM – They’re firing the pervy teacher. Gee, I wonder why…
CT – 1:37 PM – He has sexually harassed too many students. No, really, that’s why.
KT – 1:37 PM – He said he was ‘falsely accused’ of inappropriate sexual relations and somehow I doubt that it was false.
CT – 1:37 PM – SIXTEEN students came forward and complained!!! Why is this a plot point in this comedy movie!
KT – 1:38 PM – In other news: Quentin is eating cereal with a ladle and doing the most with slurping noises and mouth movements.
CT – 1:39 PM – This movie is so gross in such unexpected ways. They even made cereal gross.
CT – 1:40 PM – Quentin got into law school because of his rich dad and now Hutch is getting high for the first time because his life is ruined. Solid decision making.
KT – 1:42 PM – Somehow I don’t think SCREAMING in the face of someone who’s way too high would help.
CT – 1:42 PM – This movie is chock full of mental breakdowns that are taken so casually by everyone else. Does this school have a counseling service?
CT – 1:44 PM – I wonder how Joann from Rent (Tracie Thoms) feels about having done this movie.
KT – 1:44 PM – So they all made fake names, put berets and turtlenecks on, and went on a radio show. Lenny is now Yanni Pap Smear.
CT – 1:45 PM – I am in sheer disbelief that this was written, produced, and created. Friendly reminder that this is set on an IVY LEAGUE CAMPUS. These chicken eaters are apparently the best and brightest our country has to offer.
KT – 1:46 PM – They are putting flyers for porn auditions all over this campus. They’re also holding auditions on campus. They all would have been expelled so long ago.
CT – 1:47 PM – Ginnifer Goodwin?! Did she lose a bet!?
KT – 1:47 PM – Classic audition montage, featuring yet another young adult having a mental breakdown. There are also old men auditioning. How did they even hear about this? Are they professors???
CT – 1:48 PM – Ginnifer is singing ‘Amazing Grace.’ I cannot. She had to have lost a bet to take this role.
KT – 1:48 PM – NOOO they’re gonna stick poor Ginnifer with crazy Lenny!
KT – 1:48 PM – “No one knows the leaders of the club.” What? Literally everyone does. Also, why did they decide to make this dean’s last name Widehead?
CT – 1:50 PM – I would love to see the pitch for this movie.
KT – 1:51 PM – I have never been more creeped out by this pervy teacher/doctor from Teeth (Josh Pais). How does this actor feel being typecast as a creepy predator in everything he’s in???
KT – 1:52 PM – Direct quote from this movie: “This is Tom Brokaw telling you to lick my sack.”
KT – 1:53 PM – Oh my God, there’s Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson. How did they get them for this movie?
CT – 1:53 PM – That Paul Frank monkey shirt brings me right back to 2002.
KT – 1:54 PM – Ginnifer and Lenny made fake semen out of yogurt, cream cheese, and spackle? Oh no Ginnifer, don’t kiss Lenny, he’s not well.
KT – 1:55 PM – Oof, she had sex with him. Yikes.
CT – 1:56 PM – I’m worried about Lenny, no one notices that he’s totally not okay. Also, this movie is GROSS.
KT – 1:56 PM – Jesus, Hutch just head butted Polly while trying to kiss her. They added in an audible head bashing noise in post.
CT – 1:56 PM – Polly has a lot of grand ideas and rules for things.
KT – 1:57 PM – She doesn’t seem like fun at all. I call bullshit on her ‘I’m so cool I orgasm from every part of my body’ story.
KT – 1:57 PM – Hutch was rapping in Latin and the only black man in this movie came out of a building to dance to it. Yikes.
CT – 1:57 PM – Looks like another mental breakdown to me. That I’m sure everyone will ignore. The dancing man confirmed that.
KT – 1:58 PM – A character just described his penis as ‘beefy’ and I am now ill.
CT – 1:59 PM – The creepy teacher is at a student party?? Also, I want to ask Ginnifer about this movie.
KT – 1:59 PM – They’re trying to give this character (Geoffrey Arend) depth by suddenly deciding he should be gay.
CT – 1:59 PM – And for the record, Hutch is not reacting in a supportive way. I feel like they added this last minute after having filmed half of the movie already.
KT – 2:00 PM – Now he’s openly making out with a guy while Hutch is still trying to convince him he’s straight. Cringe.
KT – 2:01 PM – Hutch fell down and his scripted line was literally, “Oh, ass hurt.” I need to speak with whoever wrote this script.
KT – 2:03 PM – Why does it randomly sound like Hutch has either an accent or a lisp every so often?
CT – 2:04 PM – I think it’s mostly bad acting. This movie is so bad I wish it had commercials just so I could catch a fucking break for a minute.
CT – 2:05 PM – I’m not convinced that this isn’t some Shutter Island scenario where the students think they’re at college but in reality they’re in a mental hospital.
KT – 2:06 PM – Hutch scared Polly off by singing a song about wanting to date her while cooking eggs. I am once again asking to speak to the writer of this movie.
KT – 2:07 PM – Oh, good. Ginnifer shot the fake semen out in the shape of a heart and Lenny ate it. It literally has spackle in it. Also why do they need fake semen if they’re making a legitimate porn?
CT – 2:08 PM – I don’t want to ask those kinds of questions. Polly is arguing that the porn is going to be tasteful.
KT – 2:08 PM – Meanwhile, her and another girl are discussing which vegetables to put inside of one another.
KT – 2:09 PM – Ginnifer asked why they need fake semen! Finally someone is asking the important questions!
CT – 2:09 PM – They don’t. The semen was Lenny’s idea and it is not good. Nothing about Lenny is good.
KT – 2:09 PM – Lenny’s logic: good porn = lots of semen, real or fake. Makes me worried for Ginnifer.
CT – 2:10 PM – Polly’s name is Pamela? The dean said her father is Roger Stone? Whoever that is.
KT – 2:10 PM – Is her dad Roger Stone as in the conservative lobbyist? If so, did he give them consent to name drop him in this porny comedy? And WHY?
KT – 2:12 PM – The actor who plays Hutch has one volume: screaming.
CT – 2:13 PM – I do not feel bad for these characters. Of course they’re being expelled, they should have been months ago. I could have been saved from this whole movie if there was any sense of realism about what a college will expel you for.
KT – 2:14 PM – They made the porn only for the club to watch but decided to send the dean a copy? If I was one of these college kids I wouldn’t want the dean to see me naked.
CT – 2:16 PM – No, this is inexcusably disgusting. Since when does this club cause campus-wide rallies?
KT – 2:16 PM – They don’t show any nudity in their porn but immediately after it finishes a girl flashes them for a single second. I imagine Comedy Central allowing one quick shot of boobs for the entire movie.
CT – 2:17 PM – I’m confused about Comedy Central’s rules for what’s allowed on TV.
KT – 2:18 PM – Apparently Roger Stone is the next governor.
CT – 2:18 PM – This porn and chicken stuff isn’t great for his campaign.
KT – 2:19 PM – Polly is in her underwear in front of her dad and had the audacity to say, “Hi Daddy” in a pervy way. Cringe city.
CT – 2:19 PM – This movie is absolutely shameless.
CT – 2:20 PM – Wow now this politician is threatening and blackmailing these kids. And calling them piss ants?
KT – 2:21 PM – What a twist! Pervy teacher sold them OUT so he can keep his job so he can bang more first years.
CT – 2:23 PM – We’ve made it to a graduation montage describing the character’s futures. God willing, this movie is wrapping up.
KT – 2:23 PM – They did Ginnifer so dirty sticking her with Lenny the basketcase.
CT – 2:23 PM – Ginnifer Goodwin does not feel good about this movie. I have to believe that.
KT – 2:24 PM – What would one even do with a human sexuality degree? Become a health teacher?
CT – 2:24 PM – Not if you don’t also get a teaching degree. Maybe become a researcher?
KT – 2:25 PM – So basically you can’t do anything with that degree.
KT – 2:27 PM – Oh thank God, it’s over. We made it.
Kendall’s final thoughts:
Porn and chicken are two things that bring joy to most people, but this does not spark any sort of joy. It seems like this may have been the start of a lot of these actors careers, and I am genuinely shocked that their careers continued after it. This movie feels like a bizarre mix of Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Superbad, and Accepted. Ironically, I enjoy all of those movies but hated this one. Also, this movie came out years before all of those, which makes it all the more confusing. I wish that I watched A Recipe for Seduction five more times instead of watching this movie once. I also feel like I should mention that I looked up the writer of this movie and found that there are two: Lawrence Trilling and A.D. Miles. Trilling is a fairly well known director who went on to direct episodes of shows such as Alias and Parenthood. While I’m sure he wants to forget he ever wrote this movie, I want to ask him all the questions. Miles went on to direct and write episodes of shows such as The Gong Show and Hot Sluts. So basically, it checks out that he was a part of writing this movie.
Casey’s final thoughts:
This movie should not have been made. It is absolutely bonkers, there is nothing endearing about it, and the only creativity of it seems to lie in teaching me new and strange ways to feel uncomfortable. Given that this was Comedy Central’s first movie, I’m surprised there was ever a second, but I’m glad they seem to have hit their stride in programming since this mess was inflicted upon the world. I’m standing by the idea that the movie would have been better if there turned out to be a Shutter Island twist, and all the “students” were in a facility—everyone was way too unbothered by the constant nervous breakdowns all these kids were having. All in all, this movie is hard to find these days and I think I’m okay with that. But I still want to get Ginnifer Goodwin’s thoughts on the matter.
To summarize: If either Ginnifer Goodwin or Lawrence Trilling want to explain to us why they took part in this movie when they ended up creating so many better works after it, we’re all ears! A.D. Miles, we don’t need you to explain anything.